Self-Discovery: Ever Heard of “The Spirit-Controlled Temperament”?

At some point in our lives, we make life-changing discoveries. This is mine.

If you were to wake me up and ask what my best book is, I’d say The Spirit-Controlled Temperament. It’s a life-changing book by Tim LaHaye. 

Wait o. All I’m doing here is sharing a bit of my journey of self discovery. 🙄 Don’t go and be looking for “So… what’s the moral of the story?”

Ok. So, what makes this book so fascinating? It helped me understand why I can come across as a grouch and sometimes embody a resentful, hard-driving, in short, Curtis Payne from House of Payne. It also made sense of why an unemotional and largely insensitive Curtis Payne can express so much concern for his loved ones, and be so concerned with social issues and others’ welfare. 

I don’t know if you like learning about yourself, but I do. Because even I surprise myself, at times. 

So, let’s dig in. 😁

Like I’ve said in one of my previous posts, I’m a choleric-melancholic, by nature. I’ll first break down the blend so you can understand why an undiluted combination of both can be lethal. 


Choleric

Oh, this is only in relation to me – for obvious reasons aka it’s my blog and I’m obviously using myself as a case study 🙄. I definitely won’t be telling you all my choleric and melancholy traits; just the ones that I find striking. 🙃

Ok. Stereotypically, a choleric is “hot, quick, active, practical, and strong-willed …. He is often self-sufficient and very independent. He tends to be decisive and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions for himself as well as for others … By nature Cholerics have a serious emotional deficiency …. Choleric women may cry only when facing the most desperate circumstances.” 👀 (The Spirit-Filled Temperament, Tim LaHaye).

Here’s a screenshot:


🙊🤐

Now, my melancholy side.. 👀  


Melancholy

Tim LaHaye says the melancholy “… is perhaps the most dependable of all the temperaments, for his perfectionist tendencies do not permit him to be a shirker .…” In short, let me add a screenshot.

 
I’m not even going to bother to gloat 😏. 

Now, over to two key weaknesses 😩: “No one is more critical than the Melancholy. With unrealistic expectations of others, they cannot happily accept less than the very best.”


The Blend – ChlorMel

For those who don’t know, a temperament blend is the combination of an individual’s two temperaments; primary and secondary.

Hmmm.. The blend of my primary (choleric ) and my secondary (melancholy) is hypothetically the blackest sheep of the temperament blends. The “😧👎🏾”seem to be more than the “😀👍🏾” for the ChlorMels 😩. ChlorMels who are as natural and raw as them come… let me just grab one or more screenshots 🙈. #WeThankGodForTheHolySpirit!

 
I’m not apt to be a dictator 🙄. Hate? I don’t know about that 😕. Love? 🤷🏾😂 Oh, please! Yes, of course! 😁

 
👀🙈 Too. True.!

 

You see? It’s not all bad 😏. Tim actually says our strengths and weaknesses are kind of balanced on the scale… I don’t know how accurate that is 👀. 

Left to me, I would be unbothered about improving some of those weaknesses because they’re just mentally convenient for me. I would think to myself, Why would they think I’m too fussy? 🙄 Can’t they see that it could be better? On what planet does this arrangement even look attractive? 🙄.

Then there’s the part about speaking my mind, whether or not the other person wants to hear it. I would think sometimes, Why should I have to go through the stress of finding a nicer way to say that this design is ancient and obsolete and a waste of time and resources? Why can’t I just tell him that he looks like a frog when he smiles? 🙄

🙈🙈

What Next?

See, the way this book is written, the strengths are discussed before the weaknesses. I like to have my bad news/ reports first, then the good ones. But the book makes it clear that those weaknesses are part of our being; they don’t make us less human. 

I’ve learned to embrace my strengths and deal with my weaknesses 😏. The key to overcoming weaknesses is to first identify and acknowledge their existence, then find effective ways of doing something about them. They can be worked upon. I don’t know who you go to for help with things that are possibly beyond you, but I go to God. And so does Tim. 

The most fantastic feature about this book for me is that it gives me an insight into why and how I can retune my weaknesses into strengths with the help of the Holy Spirit. In all my years of ignorantly being indifferent about my choleric emotional deficiency, I would occasionally feel the need to find a solution. I didn’t find any. My complete solution isn’t here yet, though. And I don’t know if it will ever be complete. But I’m learning to tone down the self-sufficiency (Zechariah 4:6) and look to God to help me practise 1 Cor. 13 and Gal. 5:22-24 effectively 😌. 

I mean, it’s amazing that as a naturally hostile and resentful choleric, I’m incapable of holding a grudge or treating people accordingly, based on the wrongs I know they’ve done. Once a few hours have gone by, I find it impossible to program my attitude towards them to match their offence. 

Like I said though, I’m still in the testing stages; part of my revisions are to temper my melancholy “realism” with optimism so I don’t emote pessimism. More so, I’ve come to appreciate the relationships I have – oh, wait! I’m not laying down my life for any friend, as it says about melancholies in the screenshot up there 😐. As much as I have bitter complaints about life, I have no interest in sleeping in a coffin any time soon. Even my best friends already know that I love them 😂. 

Furthermore, learning to hold those choleric comments in is also a thing because, as a matter of fact, I don’t want someone else to say to me the things I sometimes say to others in my mind – except there’s an existent mutual agreement on 100% undiluted honesty (my way). I know words can be very hurtful so I try to isolate myself and keep quiet when I know my sarcasm or “razor-sharp, active tongue” – as Tim puts is – is about to go into overdrive. 

Life is interesting, though. What is stereotypically termed as your own temperament weakness may be a strength to someone else, and could cause them to appreciate that attribute in you, especially when you manifest it. One man’s meat is another man’s poison 😏. I’m not talking about a sarcastic or caustic tongue 🙄.

Anyhoo, I’m still a work in progress 😌. Got a long way to go with *some* missing fruits of the Spirit 😩. But God is faithful 😅. 

Until you see me again, ✌🏾 I ♥️ you! Or do I? 🤔🙄

Credit Alert: X Megawatts of Explosive Anger Transmission

Don’t offload volcanoes of your anger on others; it actually burns.

Did you know that when you get angry and you go about your regular activities, there’s greater room for error, and for things to fall apart?

Did you also know that when in your anger, you talk to others, you are likely to say or do something to someone that will harm that person’s morale and/or whatever relationship you have with the person?

Most people relate these scenarios to romantic relationships. I think we’ve heard enough of those warnings. This one is for the casual, work and other non-romantic relationships that you probably don’t think of, or are indifferent about. 

I’ve witnessed people who have a good thing going with people they’re associated with, ruin it because of their anger. There’s nothing laudable about ruining someone else’s mood or day with your anger, especially when it’s explosive. 

If one person of event pissed you off, there’s absolutely no reason to transfer your anger on other people around you. 

Some people can take other people’s heat; some react by doing nothing and ignoring the agitated person, others retaliate by dishing it back fire for fire. Others cannot handle that heat; they cower and become sullen in disposition. Someone might have just found light at the end of a seemingly endless tunnel, and you just come yelling at the top of your voice, finding faults with things that aren’t necessarily faulty or worthy of fault-finding. In case you didn’t know, it’s nearly impossible that you’ve not just thrown darkness over that newfound light. 

Imaginably so, it’s a very selfish thing to ruin other people’s moods because you’ve just had your bubble burst and you’re exploding with red. A lot of us who are naturally short-tempered typically have a hard time controlling our quick-to-rise anger. One thing that works – for me, at least – is to quietly find a quiet space and either vent out or relax until we actually cool off. Walking about and engaging people and activities is a surefire way to transfer anger or frustration. 

Some of us offload a volcano on others when we’re angry and wonder why they’re not talking to us, they’re afraid of us, avoiding us or offended by our attempts to engage them. It is my opinion that if you think much of a person or the relationship you have with them, you will not have a go at them in your moment of anger. If anything, seeing them soothes your anger. So, if you’re offloading your temper on people that are supposedly important to you for whatever reason, you’re doing something wrong. You need to put a lid on your temper and how you handle it. 

Don’t take your anger, aggression or frustration out on others. It’s distasteful; it’s immature, actually; it’s destructive in ways beyond your understanding and imagination; it’s deplorable. I don’t see the remedy or mitigation in transferring the heat of your temper on others, when you can avoid it in the first place. All you have to do is keep your mouth sealed – since it’s the vent for your temper – and isolate yourself until you cool off. 

Until you see me again, ✌🏾 I ♥️ you!

Nigeria: Is Feminism a Trend?

It’s baffling how some Nigerian women think they can enrol into the school of thought of Feminism, and leave the lifestyle behind.

One question I’ve had to ask myself again and again – just to answer my own question of what Nigerian women are up to – is if feminism is nothing more than a trend to Nigerian women. 

It’s the 21st century! The average human being wants to be trendy in whatever areas of living they consider relevant to them. People buy things because their status needs them; people pursue opportunities because hypothetically everyone is pursuing those opportunities; people get into ventures because those ventures are supposedly the new money-mines; people alter their lives to match the lives of others because of the illusion of different represented states of affairs. 

Nigerian women are the champions of that movement: The Global Trend Followers’ Movement. They blindly copy trends – hair styles, fitness, fashion, ideologies, culinary, and much more – from the western world without evaluating the substance of those trends and deciding if they themselves are suitable followers of the trend. They don’t weigh the content and demands of the trends against their peculiar circumstances – location, environment, resources, values, beliefs, lifestyle, etc. – before adopting them. Unfortunately but not unsurprisingly, Nigerian women in their numbers have done this with feminism. Some of them ooze so much unenlightenment about the topic and it’s application in their lives that I just shudder at their speeches. 

I do not identify myself as a feminist. Matter of fact, I don’t come with any labels – that’s what I tell people when they start to categorise me. Nonetheless, I share some of the ideas entertained by feminists, to certain degrees, some of which I will discuss in relation to the topics below that address that the application of some of these ideas. 


Income Inequality & Performance Qualities
For instance, I believe that men and women should be treated equally as far as is practical and possibly so. If they both have the same job description but perform their duties to different degrees of quality, I don’t see a problem with them being paid differently. 

I can’t for the life of me spot any injustice or inequality in rewarding person A more than person B, where person A’s output is more than that of his/her colleague, person B, who is doing the exact same job. Now, some of the people I’ve talked to, who claim to be feminists, will categorically tell you that they don’t subscribe to that mindset. You’d hear some of them tell you that in so far as persons A and B are delivering the minimum required quality on the job, paying one more than the other for doing more breeds inequality 😐. Really? Ok. 

That is one. The next thing that actually makes me realise that some of these Nigerian women crying feminism don’t know what they’re on about, is where you hear them talk about equality and female independence, without wanting to put in the work required to activate that. Independence is a constant state of being; you don’t achieve independence once and for all, you have to keep it going. Equality is the same.


Equality & Adjustments
A lot of Nigerian women don’t seem to understand that if you want to be equal to someone, you have to do what it takes to be on the same level as they are. If you rearrange your fingers to match lengths, some are going to have to look taller, some will have to look shorter. You need to make adjustments; they just don’t fall into place. 

If you see a man you want to be equal to, you have to make adjustments to match his levels. You may have to earn the same amount, have the same expenses and income influxes; you may have to consume the same products that he consumers; you may have to match his residence, car(s), social circles; and so much more. If we are to be honest with ourselves, pursuing equality in some areas is impractical and pointless. I don’t see the need for comparison. 


Independence

“This product is not for the lazy nor the ‘all-talk-and-no-action’ people.” That’s a warning label that ought to come with independence as a pursuit. So many people crave, no, want independence, but they aren’t willing to put in the work needed to achieve it. Some others talk about independence so much you think it’s a done deal for them, but they’re not going to achieve it because they’re never going to move from talk to action. 

For you to stand on your own two feet, it means that you are able to afford what you desire without contribution from other sources; you are able to fend for yourself and singularly bear and perform your financial responsibilities.

Now, let me tell you what some “feminists” do or believe in Nigeria. They go out on dates and expect the guy to pay for expense they incur. They go to the salons to get their hairs done and expect their men to pay for the expenses. They splurge on products for themselves and expect their men to pay for the expenses. They travel to exotic locations and expect their men to foot the bills and make it an all-expense-paid trip. 😐

I haven’t started o! Some of these women are working and earning incomes, but do me the favour of asking them exactly what they do with their income. Some of them don’t even have a single stream of income, but they’re the most spending people. They’re buying the latest of everything; buying what they definitely cannot afford; spending someone else’s hard earned money on themselves… and they claim to be equal to those people and demand to be treated equally… how?

And if you’re by chance thinking “Oh, but it’s not all about money…”, let me tell you, it is. Money answers all things. All things. Money will fetch you the resources you need to achieve independence. If you don’t have the financial capability to build your own independence, don’t live off of someone else’s resources and expect to be placed on the same level as they are on. You’re not a match for them and that’s the truth. So you either get your own copy of independence or you humbly live off of another person’s benevolence. 

In case you still don’t get it: everything is not what it seems! That is the case with feminism. If you think it’s something that you want to get into, error; it’s not a profession or industry. If you think it’s a school of thought you want to enrol in, you’re half way there; there’s a whole lifestyle behind it that you have to be willing to adopt. As is with every other lifestyle change or decision, you have to evaluate if feminism is for you, and if you are for feminism. 

Until you see me again, 🤞🏾

You Are All The Fuel You Need

They will help you “rationalise” your visions, telling you to be “more realistic”…

A lot of people want to be involved in your life… wait. Let me rephrase that to match reality. A lot of people want to feel relevant in your life; they see themselves as stakeholders. In my language, such people often “overpatakilise” themselves; it means that they often overstate their importance in your life. I have such people in my life too, but I don’t take kindly to them.

I don’t know if you have these oversized visions for your life, but I do. Additionally, I’m a believer of the principle that you don’t beat your own drums in public; you let your music speak for itself. If I’m going to do something that’s massive, I don’t want enemies of progress all over my business so, I won’t announce it.That’s one small part of the discussion, though. If you also have dreams/ visions that are larger than yourself and scare you, carry on reading, soulmate. 😍

When it gets down to the nitty-gritty of taking our visions from “virtual” to “reality”, it’s only natural to want or think that we need support from others. We want to tell those that matter to us about our visions because we want to carry them along on our journey. Consequently, we may start to seek validation for our dreams from these people.

Seeking validation from people is only you looking to get your dreams crushed and buried before they’re even developed. The vast majority of people you’re seeking validation from cannot even see where you’re going with your dreams! They cannot grasp it! It’s like trying to sell laser eye surgery to someone who is decidedly and conveniently short-sighted. It’s that pointless.

Depending on the kind of people you surround yourself with — or you find yourself surrounded by –, you may or may not get the support you want. The thing is that there will be people that will actually support your visions and will have the ability to visualise your dreams with you. However, as is everything with life, you may not be so fortunate to have those people in your inner circle. Matter of fact: you may not even know them yet; or you could, but just not consider them relevant to you. That’s your cue to re-evaluate.

On the other hand, there are people that you’d expect to “understand” you, at least, but they will disappoint you. They will help you “rationalise” your visions, telling you to be “more realistic”; they will find indirect ways of telling you to “forget it”. They mean no harm, often; they’re only looking out for you and hoping that you don’t have your head buried in the clouds. 

The majority of people you come across will tell you that your visions are impossible or that there are more “worthwhile” things to dabble into in the now. The uninterested bunch will tell you that your visions are a waste of time and unnecessary. Although I wonder what — if any — place of love these ones could possibly speak from, most are simply myopic or faithless. But which ones do you listen to?

This is where it gets tough. This is where you realise that you may have to start your trip solo and pick willing and necessary passengers along the way, since you only budgeted for yourself. You’re going to have to push yourself because no one else will. Matter of fact: it’s no one else’s job to push you.

Hey, that is not to say that every single person around you will either discourage you or fail to see where you’re going. It’s your job to apply discretion and recognise those who do; those are the people you need on your journey. When you grow weary from pushing yourself, they’re there as backup.

For those who cannot see your destination — even with a telescope — you’re better off without them. Saddling them on your journey is only loading your boat with dead weight. They’ll be there every step of the way to remind you that you’re wasting your time.

At the end of the day, you need to be attentive to those whom you need to journey with you; those who want to but may be dead weight; and those who don’t even want you to start the trip because it’s a waste. The people you surround yourself with will either build you up or tear you down. In so far as you can visualise where you’re going and your faith is alive, that is all the fuel you need.

P.S. Jesus is the sailor of my own boat. I’m just chilling, letting the breeze blow away my anxieties… beneath my aviator shades. 😎

Until you see me, ✌🏾

Do You Ever…?

A lot of thoughts running through the human mind.

😪 I have ………… 😂🙊 I’m trying to be serious here 🙊. I’ll suck it up. 😂😂😂😂 Oh, no!

Ok. Take 2. 🤐 I have these thoughts — hypothetical… and wishful — that I just play around with in my head, in my moments of solitude. One that has very recently and stubbornly been on my mind is the existence of a particular “phenomenon” that seems to be beyond me. If you know how to read between the lines, good for you. If you don’t… well, 🤷🏾‍♀️. I’d even only be able to say it to you in a pitch-black room! 😂

Do you ever find yourself inexplicably attached to someone and their happiness? 😕 It’s really hard for me to get my head around it, because I’m someone who even finds it difficult to develop or sustain attachments to people 😭😂. So, I don’t know what makes this one different 🤔.

Do you ever wonder what it’s like inside someone’s body, and what the world looks like (literally and figuratively) through someone else’s eyes? I do this rather often 🙊. I don’t know what differing colours or what differing perspectives I’m expecting to see, but I do wonder how you see the world. 🙃

Do you ever wish you could fast-forward time to when you’re “settled” (using whatever milestones do it for you) so that you can either push yourself more now, or use it as an encouragement for the now? I do, often for the latter reason. I’m anxious often, but not necessarily a lot, about when I will finally get the things I want for myself, so I can encourage my present self that it’s close enough (supposing it is).

Do you ever wish you had a special ability? Oh, who doesn’t 🙄! I wish my ability was teleportation 🏃🏾‍♀️. I ain’t got no business reading people’s minds or all that crock 😂. No offence to those who want that ability 😄; I once wanted it… but I discovered teleportation 😌. I want to be able to be wherever I want to be at whatever time! I sure won’t be where I am right now 👀! I’d be in the … wait! That’s my secret escape 🤐. Surely, I can’t give that away 😉. No flight or train tickets ever? 🙋🏾 Travel solo? 🙋🏾

Finally, do you ever go about your day normally and then get your memory jogged, only to realise that it “was in your dream“? More often than seems normal to me, my day is just in progress as usual. Then I suddenly have “a moment” and say to myself, Oh, that was in my dream! What am I on about? I would have just realised that a memory that came back me to me minutes before did not actually happen in reality; it must have been in one of my dreams the night before 😕. Weird? I really don’t give a hoot. 🙃 I’ve learned to live with it and just go “😃” every time. ☺️

Until you see me again, ✌🏾.

Some Self-Love Ain’t a Bad Idea

You come first.

I was feeling the need to appreciate myself today (not like I don’t do it every other day 😏), so I dug up some notes I’d made for future reference. ☺️

**** Continue reading “Some Self-Love Ain’t a Bad Idea”

Realist Much or Buzzkill?

Being a realist does not equate to being a pessimist.

I’m a logical thinker and a very realistic person, so much so that I’ve been told that I don’t know how to let people enjoy their daydreaming moments 😅.

Someone’s daydreaming loudly around me and I just unsolicitedly butt in and bring them back to earth. No, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t just up and leave and tour the country. You have to make sure that your bills are sorted for the while that you’d be gone. You have to research where you’re going, search for and book or reserve accommodation, calculate how much you’d need, so you can make enough money available. Yada, yada, yada. That’s me. Every single time. People tell me, You don’t know how to be spontaneous. You’re so pre-programmed! Sorry, not sorry 🙄. I like to be armed with information before I enter into something 😼. I don’t like to be stranded, physically, mentally, emotionally, however! Mind you, I know how to do spontaneous, just on my own terms. 😏

Now, I’m positive you’ve come across people drawing similarities between being realistic and being pessimistic. I’ve actually had a couple of people tell me outright that I was being pessimistic, only because I was just being practical. To be honest, I think it’s mostly the extreme idealists that believe realists are automatically pessimists. For some people, however, their realism borders on pessimism. Life is an arguably imbalanced mix of good and bad — and in my opinion — the bad weighing more than the good. That’s what is factored in, when a realist speaks. It’s the undiluted awareness of more bad than good that causes realists to sound pessimistic. We just tell it like it is. No watering down of the reality of things.

A pessimist, on the other hand, is often the one who just ignores all the good stones on the “good” scale and just sees “bad” all over the place. There’s always something bad in every situation. There’s always a hole in the rainbow that comes after every storm. The honey in the pot is always bad or infested with dead bees. The sun that comes after the rain will give you some serious sunburn. 🙄 It just never ends with them. Nothing good to say, ever. They, not the realists, are the buzzkills.

Here’s the thing: pessimists aka buzzkills are identifiable. If their input is never helpful and is ever depressing or discouraging, without providing an alternative, they’re a buzzkill, a pessimist. They shoot down every good idea, oh, and they never have any good ones either!

For some people, it’s actually their nature to be pessimistic. It’s obviously not a good trait, at least to those on the receiving end of the pessimist’s negativity. But, however pessimists make an effective journey to the border where they meet optimism, that is the goal.

Drawing a balance between pessimism and optimism is necessary, in my opinion. Being an extreme optimist is often equally identified with being an idealist. “This is how this should be. Things ought to run this way.” There’s nothing wrong with that line of thought. However, where it becomes a train of thought and it does not include facing the reality of “This is how this is. Things are run this way.“, you will have an idealist, who might even be an extreme optimist. The refusal or inability to balance ideals with the reality of things is an idealist’s woe.

In my experience, when a fair equilibrium between optimism and pessimism is reached, you realise that you have a balanced individual who knows how to dream and how to measure that dream against reality. You can’t have your head stuck in the clouds; reality will yank you out by the legs.

Until Friday, stay blessed! ✌🏾